what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
