she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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