Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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