The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
