Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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