It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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