I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The best revenge is premature balding
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize