I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
