Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
