We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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