Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She announced her abortion via fbk
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He shit in the fireplace
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