never play flip cup with pint glasses
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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