I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
