I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
