I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
