3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
