these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
