I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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