Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
