You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
