I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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