saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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