i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
