Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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