well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
