My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize