just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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