i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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