laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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