Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
