a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
