Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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