When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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