Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He passed out mid-signature
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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