Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize