if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
