Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
