a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
