its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The ass gains better be worth it
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