I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
