He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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