When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
