How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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