The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
