I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
