one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
