I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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