Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
