Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
