she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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