dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
