Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
