Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
