i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
