Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
