Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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