OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
