I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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