this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
