I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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