I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize