I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My bed smells like the plague
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